With Love, Layla

EPISODE 1

March 2021, present.

Silence. Sobs. But mostly the former. Because Ummi had learnt to accept that our fate is in the hands of our creator. And not only that, she had mastered how to cage her pain and rid it completely of its voice. So everyone who met my Ummi thought she was really a woman worthy looking up to– someone who is capable of bringing one closer to Allah, and who had a remedy for all one's problems.

Except me, maybe because I have had to use her advice more than anyone else. I have always loved Ummi, it was just her, my older brothers, me and our travelling dad. But I guess she didn't realize that I grew up–I was no longer the Layla she taught a new Dua each time I came home with a result below my unrealistic expectations, not as great as my brothers'. 'Come Layla', she would say. 'You have put in your best, it's Allah's qadar. I am proud of you.'

My frown would ease into a broad smile and Ummi would envelope me into a hug. And my lips would echo a Dua to ask Allah for a better result. But as I grew up, I realized: Ummi should have had my brothers tutor me. Monitor my screen and play time. Told me to double my efforts. To take my assignments serious. Slowly, Ummi's flaws became apparent to me and she was no longer Ummi, my confidant whom I trusted for the right advice. But I still loved her.

'Where were you really at?' came Ummi's voice in a gentle but firm tone. Except for the drip-drip of the IV line and my uncomfortable shifts, the only sound in the room had been her silence. I look away to the human portrait on the wall, whose face Ummi had covered with a calendar to make the room prayable. The calendar, or anything at all to cover my face would really do now. Not because I didn't want to see Ummi's face, but the disappointment in it would be crushing. So I shut my eyes even though I could still feel her stare piercing through me. She who had done nothing her whole life but love me, now had to deal with my stupidity.

'With Zaynab', I burst into tears hoping it will dissuade her from probing me further. But she was having none of it.

'And from there?' And from there?_And from there, Zaynab suggested we attend a party happening at our coursemate's. 'Its just a mini birthday party, no harm in that right?' she had convinced me. And sure enough, she knew how to justify every argument I brought against it. And I played along even though every cell in my body was against it. Then the party got really uncomfortable that we excused ourselves. But Stephanie was 'sad' that we were leaving all alone, so she asked her half-drunk boyfriend to drive us. And there's something about being drunk–so much energy, that you suddenly become capable and limitless. And while driving, to where does a drunk channel his energy but the speed? And that's exactly when I knew we were done for. But I thank Allah we were not too hurt. Maybe what saved me was Ummi's constant prayers over me.

More than ever, the room was now still. Maybe she thought I was asleep.

'I am so sorry Stephanie's mistake had to put you in this condition. She told me everything. I wonder what that kid was thinking putting a drunk behind the wheel', it was the doctor, who happened to be Stephanie's mum. Shit.

Ummi got the main gist now. 'Car accident' was all she was told before but this doctor had to spill everything in the name of apologizing.

After Ummi sent me a long stare of disappointment rather than pity, she stood up to observe Salatul-Zuhr.